Absolved

I am shocked and amazed to still have the ability
to stand on my own two feet.
I was told
to get a grip on reality,
but all was lost on me.
I am not sorry.
So many days of hauling the heavy load,
so many nights in the boiler
One day it will swallow me whole.
the pre-cautionary tale of my life
will be told world-wide.
The veterans will tip their hats to me,
as tears well up in their sunken eyes.
saw my self drift into the infinite blackness
and I romanticized about the end of our days.
I sat frozen still, cloaked in it's vast boundlessness
and felt the fear and anger
slowly wash from my face.
I laid down my arms, rested my head,
and let it welcome me.
I knew that my search was over,
and I had finally found my place.
It was my first, and only love,
and it was painfully honest:

no roads to no future.
No gods; just solitude,
the outside chance of survival,
and the collected memories
of lost loves,
better days,
and wrong turns.